I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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