Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
