Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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