my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
