That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
