last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize