It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
