I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
