we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
