I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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