For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
