i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
