i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
