you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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