Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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