Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
His nipple licking is glorious
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