im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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