Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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