I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
