...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
