Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
