I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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