Cold hands, warm shart.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
