I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
