fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
