worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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