i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
