areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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