Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was born a porn star she said
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize