remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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