o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
