ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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