Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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