Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize