my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
