he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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