Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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