Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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