i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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