I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
