Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
