so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
