I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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