I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
