cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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