So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
