I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
