Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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