She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
