Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
