i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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