Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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