If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
