literally had 100 drinks last night.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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