If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
