He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
