K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
