my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
