I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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