look no pants
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
