I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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