The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
