I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
