The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
